Archive for July, 2009

By Russ Whiting

Following in the precedence of that zany Henry David Thoreau, who among us hasn’t wanted to shed the cumbersome weight of today’s sprawling megalopolitan trappings and embark upon a voyage of spiritual discovery? Returning to our roots in nature as it were? Well, you just might want to rethink that instinctual adventure you silly little bastard; if you think crying into your pillow at night about working eight hours behind a desk all day means God hates you, try taking a look at the lives of these presumably awesome animal creatures:

5) Praying Mantis
That’s right, the Praying Mantis; among the most lethal, hard-assed insects to have ever been formed by God’s repudiating hand. These wondrous insectile butchers are sleek, elegant, purdy and presumably pious religious folk (They pray a lot, LOL). Don’t let their appearance and churchly demeanor fool you however; they’re the type of predators that would slash and grab you with strong, spiked forelegs if you ever got too close – committing unseen horrors to your body and any of their other mortified prey. (Which consist of other insects, frogs, lizards, snakes, rodents, homeless people). Any insect that feasts on the sundered flesh of the living instead of nibbling upon dirt and poo pretty much becomes an undisputed legend in my eyes.

Where Things Go Horribly Wrong:
Alright, praying mantises are bad-asses. I’ll even go so far as to say that they could be considered the epitome of macho, butchering animals twice their size – all the while resembling alien rape machines with their bulbous, remorseless eyes. Oh, they’re macho, alright. That is, if they didn’t have the ironic misfortune of actually being born male.

Why Their Lives Suck Even More Than Yours:
Our protagonist mantis finally gets laid after prevailing over a cock blocking process of epic proportions. This includes him pouncing upon and essentially raping the female while she’s busy preening or eating (eerily similar to my own tactics, try it some time!) After all this, you’d think she might light up a cigarette and maybe give him a pat on the thorax for a job well done, right? Wrong! After getting hers, the female brute will violently turn on the male. (The nerve of that asshole, trying to further propagate the species) For you, this would involve your wife, significant other, or female escort brushing you away, saying that she has a headache. Or for the very unlucky, uproarious laughter at the futility of your dick.

For the male mantis this means having his goddamn head chomped clean off his shoulders! As a morose consolation prize for living the life of the ultimate masochist, a reflex mechanism in the mantis’ body ensures he’ll keep on pumping away, necroboning the lucky gal while his severed head becomes a delectable little treat! (Men, always thinking with their other head, amirite ladies?) Hopefully the femme fatale has the common courtesy to chew in a way that allows him to watch his dying thrusts with voyeuristic bliss! Grant that horny mantis male his final wish, won’t you snookums?

“Oh real nice, Bill! You went and died again! For once, I just wish you’d want to cuddle after sex.”

4) Anglerfish

The image I’m pasting onto the ceiling above my first born baby’s crib

Picture this: You’re an abhorrent, appallingly grotesque sea creature that looks like the remains of John Travolta from Hairspray and a used condom from Clay Aiken. Alright, that’s terrible even by my standards. Let me start over.

Picture this: You’re just a vicious, loveable, though ugly male anglerfish with a heart of gold; traversing the deep, abounding sea with Sebastian the crab, Nemo, and the rest of your fishy friends! Nestled like a jocund, deformed fellow in those fathomless depths, your gaze soon fixes upon a sight that sends a tremor of longing and anticipation up your incurved spine; one that tickles from your fishy fins up to the base of your throbbing gills:

What’s that you spy? A cavernous mouth; spiny, razor sharp teeth; nubile, iridescent dorsal fins framing a plump, J-Lo ass; and even one of those cool organic “fishing rods” protruding from her sloping forehead! (One that can glow in the dark, and lure smaller fish into her close proximity.) Could it be? Why, it’s a sexy female Anglerfish and you’d simply love to get yourself a piece of that sweet, fishy smelling (good in this instance) poontang!

Where Things Go Horribly Wrong:
Here’s the deal. Anglerfish are rare. So rare that it could conceivably take years for two anglerfish of the opposite sex swimming along to have the fortuitous luxury to just bump into each other and proceed to get freak nasty. So nature, being the detestable whore that she is, decided to play a “harmless” little prank on the male anglerfish when it comes to getting laid.

Why Their Life Sucks More Than Yours:
Of course, by harmless I meant – they become the living, breathing embodiment of a “pussy whipped” joke. These guys make Doug Christie, a guy who flashes his wife “I heart yous,” erratic winks, and blown kisses on live national television in NBA basketball games look like the father of sixteen kids in Harlem. So what could possibly be so terrible, you ask? Recall an instance when your wife, gal pal, or any woman in general called you a dick. (For me, this happens every time I open my mouth). Do you have it firmly etched into your mind? Good. Now imagine that her words took on a literal meaning of the most degrading, humiliating degree. That’s right kids, you are doomed to live the rest of your life as an actual cock(and balls)!

Just take a gander at this excerpt from the Wikipedia article on Anglerfish:
“When he finds a female, he bites into her skin, and releases an enzyme that digests the skin of his mouth and her body, fusing the pair down to the blood-vessel level. The male then atrophies into nothing more than a pair of gonads, which releases sperm in response to hormones in the female’s bloodstream indicating egg release. This extreme sexual dimorphism ensures that, when the female is ready to spawn, she has a mate immediately available.”

So to recap, the male bites into the female, and they fuse together; he gets all his essential vitamins and minerals, as well as a shared oxygen supply. This means he doesn’t need to do anything in life except become like a patient little caterpillar; except instead of emerging from the cocoon as a magnificent butterfly – he emerges from his hypothetical cocoon as a magnificent schlong. (Yes, I really just used those two words in the same sentence.) This turns the female into what is essentially a sultry hermaphrodite, since she can reproduce at any time with the former fish turned empty shell of a dick perpetually dangling from her underbelly. C’est la vie!

“I sold my soul to the devil to be reincarnated as Megan Fox’s vibrator. This… isn’t what I asked for, is it?”

3) Asian Giant Hornet (Getting its comeuppance)
“Nature, she is a dirty whore, non?”

Are you all ready to hear a tale of unspeakable slaughter and butchery far worse than any war in human history? Such is the life of the Japanese Giant Hornet; pitiless, winged automatons of death. Numbered in 30, these sons of bitches can horribly maim and kill a nest full of 30,000 European honey bees in less than 3 hours! (A single hornet able to kill 40 bees per minute) Not content with eradicating every last one of the hardest working foragers of nature’s gold, the wasps then proceed to steal the helpless bee babies from the ravaged hive; presumably suffocating them, punching them in the face while they’re in their strollers, and slipping them down garbage chutes before finally eating them. Check out this video:
Where Things Go Horribly Wrong:
Yes, such tragedy saddens my heart as well. As if bees don’t have it difficult enough! But fear not honey sucklers, and deviants who had a crush on the cherubic “little” girl in the Blind Melon video; in nature – justice is its own ripe reward! You see, the aforementioned description of what happened to the poor bees was an example of when honey bees from Europe were introduced to the Japanese environment. This was all in some horrible mad scientist-esque experiment to increase honey production by our overseas friends. (Or maybe it was for a Japanese game show) Not accustomed to Hentai, Hello Kitty, or battling Mothra, these bees that were suddenly thrust into the cusp of an alien locale were predictably massacred, offering little resistance.

The native Japanese honeybees, however, are a different matter altogether! Come, learn with me, won’t you?

Why Their Lives Suck Worse Than Yours:
The native Asian bees, invigorated by a bee-like Genghis Kahn (or Shigeru Miyamoto) have devised a unique strategy in dealing with their godless foes:

As the hornet enters the nest, a large mob of about five hundred honey bees surrounds it, completely covering it and preventing it from moving, and begin quickly vibrating their flight muscles. This has the effect of raising the temperature of the honey bee mass to 47 °C (117 °F). The honey bees can barely tolerate this temperature, but the hornet cannot survive more than 46 °C (115 °F), so it dies.

Wow. Well, that’s certainly a horrible, agonizing death isn’t it? Being smothered in a writhing mass of bodies and then immolated from the inside out by the “vibration of flight muscles” (AKA, gang raped until you catch on fire) is something that even Stanley Kubrick would have shied away from tackling on the big screen.
I think I’d rather see someone killed by Carrot Top. Yes, that’s right. I’d rather see someone jimmy the door to his house (rundown apartment most likely) to gain access, where Carrot Top and a nest of Carrot Top clones are waiting; bonking themselves and then the intruder on the head with their hilarious mallet props. The would be assailant is then bound, gagged, and smothered by a mass of Carrot Top and clones’ nude, tremulous bodies – fiery red afros nuzzling and fondling him into a combustible grave. Oh yeah, and then he’s thrown into a scorching oven along with a kitten.

Or simply forced to watch Chairman of the Board. Either way, nature is hardcore.

“Fred, our balls are touching. And why do you keep looking up at me with hundreds of doe-like eyes? …Fuck, I don’t want to do this anymore.”

2) Fig Wasp
Fig wasps are born and raised inside a fruit that grows upon the fig trees of their namesake. Their life is closely related to this tree; they pollinate it, decorate the interior, and complete the “circle of life” so to speak. All is well in the gay, merry world that is nature.

Where Things Go Horribly Wrong:
Yes, there is a common theme prevalent in this article. It is the adversity that is faced by the brave males in this broad scope of animal species; our kindred brothers that share our very masculine quintessence. (Sorry ladies, you already have all the power in society as it is!) These male fig wasps need our support, for they live vacant lives destitute of any real meaning. Read on!

Why Their Lives Suck Worse Than Yours:
You know how some people don’t tend to enjoy being fucked like two dollar hookers and then never get spoken to or called again? Crybabies, right? Alright, how about being told that they have a vacuous personality and are essentially only good for getting laid from and that they should never ever open their mouths unless it’s to exhale during sex? How do I put this nicely? Male fig wasps are like the two former scenarios combined, except instead of being told they have no personality, they are kicked out of the bed the second they are done screwing and die in a horrible car fire on the taxi ride home. (Which they paid for!) So much for baby daddies in Fig Waspville, huh? Bitches get played and used for real, son! Just take a look:

As the fig develops, the wasp eggs hatch and develop into larvae. After going through the pupal stage, the mature male’s first act is to mate with a female. The males of many species lack wings and are unable to survive outside the fig for a sustained period of time. After mating, a male wasp begins to dig out of the fig, creating a tunnel for the females to escape through.

Okay, so let’s recap. Upon reaching maturity, the first thing that the fig wasp has to do is put his newly developed fig meat to the test – by getting it on with a female fig wasp; an insatiable female fig wasp cougar, out to prove that she’s still got it; and can still get some of those nubile young figgy loins!

This is essentially the equivalent of a budding, coming of age teenager who masturbates furiously in his bathroom to Sear’s Catalogues; hoping one day to whet his proverbial whistle. The second he is able to sustain a “woody,” as the kids call it, a mature, horny female perches upon his rod like a howler monkey and goes to town. Thirty seconds later, the boy chews a hole through his bathroom door for the lady to escape through later, and dies of exhaustion, or maybe even cholera, like a kid from Oregon Trail. Curtains.

Simply horrible, isn’t it folks? Absolutely deplorable that one’s life could consist only of having sex the absolute instant they’re able to, and then crumpling into a ball and dying. If you’re a female, please skip down to the next section of this article, entitled “Gorilla.” If you are a fellow man such as myself (though definitely not as virile) I think we can all agree on one thing: we all know what critter we want to be reincarnated as, don’t we boys? Awwww yeahh. Gettin’ some of that sweet tang the second we can get it up – till the day you die, baby! (Literally the very same day. Goddamit).

“Love at first . . . hard on?”

1) Gorilla
To put it in simple terms, gorillas are the paragon of the words tough, brutal, and pants shittingly scary. And the best part is, you know this already! These guys shower in vodka, can bench press cars, have thighs like anvils, and could breast feed Fifty Cent. Remember that scene in Jason Takes Manhattan where Jason actually punches a guy’s head off? Gorillas could do that to you, only they’d peel the flesh off your face afterwards and eat your severed pate like a banana.

Where Things Go Wrong:
When gorillas mate, they have absolutely no competition. That’s right – no one’s going to cuckold this snarling, simian giant! Gorilla females are the exact antithesis of Paris Hilton: they are faithful, non-promiscuous, affectionate mates. (I think we can also all agree they would do more than just lay there and stare vacantly at the camera during a sex tape – I mean . . . You’re thinking about fucking a female gorilla! What in God’s name is wrong with you?) I know what you’re saying right now: “Damn Russ, this all sounds so amazing. Those gorillas sure have it made, don’t they?” Sorry folks, this means nature has developed one small side effect in accordance for the gorilla’s life of sexual harmony; like some Gorilla-Faustian satanic pact gone horribly awry:

Why Their Lives Suck Worse Than Yours:
The gorilla penis is a staggering 2 inches. Erect. I bet about 85% of you reading this right now are standing up from your computer chair with your hands on your hips, thinking to yourself “Oh yeah, I’m more hung than a gorilla baby!” If you did that, I want you to know that even a gorilla would get more human pussy than you.

“Hey, come look at this snot I picked zoo keeper! It looks like a dick! HAHAHA! Yes… it is in fact bigger than my actual penis. Why do you ask?”
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By Patrick Ross
Most people know professional wrestling is largely staged, even some of its biggest fans. Wrestling fans get caught up in the whimsical stories the wrestlers act out on the world’s stage, and suspend belief for two hours every Monday night while the slightly less brain damaged are watching football. But sometimes, the creative team at the WWE ask us to suspend our belief a little too high, and then drop it off a fucking skyscraper. Here are some examples of how if things in wrestling were handled in an even remotely realistic fashion, these deranged criminals would be on Death Row:

4) Stone Cold Steve Austin

Charges: Aggravated assault, attempted calculated murder, public drunkenness , DUI, grand theft beer truck/zamboni
Biggest offense
: Attempted vehicular homicide

Austin’s image is pretty much based around the concept that he’s an asshole. In stark contrast to the faces of old, Austin gained fans not by supporting America and imploring kids to say their prayers and drink their milk, but rather by kicking his boss’s ass on a weekly basis, and telling kids to go fuck themselves. All of this was in kayfabe of course (kayfabe = “in character”, the etymology of which reportedly is derived from pig latin for “fake” – which pretty much makes me an “agfay” for knowing that), and only added to his appeal.

“Go fuck yourselves New York! …Austin 3:16 shirts now just $19.99 at wwfshopzone.com!”

Possibly the most insulting act to wrestling fans’ intelligence, however, came at Survivor Series 2000, when in a match between Austin and Triple H, Austin locked Helmsley into a car, somehow gained access to an industrial 50 ft. crane, and lifted the car with it and subsequently dropped it to the ground. Oftentimes the creative team will “write in” a reason as to why a wrestler legitimately has to take camera time off for personal reasons. Surely this was some sort of explanation for Helmsley having real-life surgery or something. This sort of heinous act would invariably severely injure, if not instantly kill someone.

Triple H was on RAW 15 days later, healthy as a horse!

3) Triple H

Charges: Indecent exposure, fraud, assault with a deadly weapon with intent to injure, conspiracy
Biggest offense
: Videotaped and publicly admitted rape

The Game himself is just an upstanding, morally sound fellow, isn’t he? Betraying long time friends to get ahead, hospitalizing innocent men, raping his boss’s daughter…wait, what? In 1999, Stephanie McMahon was set to marry Test on an episode of RAW (always the best forum for a declaration of holy matrimony), but as the priest asked if anyone had any objections, H’s music hit, and out he came with video evidence of him drugging, marrying, and subsequently raping a passed-out Stephanie. Vince McMahon had all the evidence he needed; he called the cops and Helmsley was sent directly to jail without parole. …Just kidding, this is pro wrestling, McMahon instead did nothing other than sign himself into a title match against Helmsley. The punishment has to fit the crime, after all!

Christ, if real life was anything like wrestling Saddam would not have been captured and killed, he would have faced Dubya in a ladder match for the rights to face the champion at WrestleMania, and the ‘Iraq war’ would have been nothing more than Bush blowing his nose in the Iraqi flag in front of Saddam’s weeping manager and Saddam calling everybody in attendance ‘stupid Americans’.

2) The Big Boss Man

Charges: Animal cruelty, inhumane murder of animals, interrupting a funeral and dragging the dead man’s goddamned corpse by a chain attached to his personalized police car (I can’t even feign legal jargon with these crimes, they’re too fucked up)
Biggest offense
: Killing, slicing and dicing a man’s dog without his consent and subsequently feeding it to him, cackling maniacally

The Big Boss Man was one of those mid-carders in the early 1990s who everyone knew but no one quite knew why he was on television. He’s been offensively overweight his entire career, and his entire gimmick is that he’s a cop. I know there are some uncreative gimmicks out there, but Christ, his gimmick may as well have been that he’s a dinosaur.

“You know who are hard asses? T-REXES! But since we sadly can’t fashion a man into a dinosaur, let’s just make him a policeman.”

In the late 1990s he came back with a complete character overhaul which included exchanging his blue police shirt for a black SWAT team vest. He also became the most sadistic motherfucker on the face of the planet. It happened in a strangely clandestine meeting in a seedy Worchester, MA hotel between the Boss Man himself and Al Snow. The two were bitter enemies at the time, yet somehow put their differences aside for a completely unexplained casual meeting before the show in Snow’s hotel room, where Boss Man offered Snow some food. Disregarding the fact that the Boss Man was apparently out for blood, Snow readily accepted the mystery meat without so much as a precautionary sniff. After he ate it, the Boss Man excitedly told him that he just ate his own dog. Once again, instead of being thrown into jail and protested by PETA for the rest of his mortal life, a wacky gimmick match was created for the next Pay-Per-View event to settle the horrific injustice. The two fought in a hilariously failed “Kennel From Hell” match wherein dogs were supposed to be surrounding the ring, acting all ferocious and shit like dogs do, but instead just yelped defeatedly and pissed all over themselves.

1) The Big Boss Man (again)

Charges: See above.
Biggest offense
: See above.

For some reason the Big Boss Man became the most soulless antichrist on the face of the planet (which laughably still didn’t get him over as a heel), and his laundry list of mortal sins became way too much for just one entry. Try to follow this horrifying (and retarded) chain of events:

In another feud with The Big Show, Boss Man decided to get into his opponents head by somehow uncovering untold secrets Show had never told anyone in his life. Boss Man hired someone to tell Show that his father had passed away. At the funeral, he showed up in a custom made police car that he inexplicably owned, chained the casket to it and drove away whirring his sirens, screaming and shooting off his guns like it was an episode of a necrophiliac Dukes of Hazard. A few weeks after this display which likened him to a satanic Yosemite Sam, he decided to mess with Show a little more. He accomplished this by knocking on his mother’s door, who, like Snow, readily invited the raging maniac who just stole her late husband’s corpse into her home for milk and cookies. During the powwow, Boss Man got Big Show’s mother to admit that he was a bastard child, and immediately exclaiming to the camera that he was a “Big Nasty Bastard!” while cackling to the camera. Boss Man then stole blankets from a nearby orphanage and strangled an elderly woman trying to cross the street with them while pissing on an American flag [citation needed].

Once again, a sordid affair that should probably have involved intervention of National Defense was instead solved by a wrestling match with some wacky stipulation. The Big Boss Man died a few years later, presumably from guilt.